it’s a rainy saturday night in new york. i’m eating take-out sushi in my room, staring through the over-sized windows separating me from near and distant scatterings of lights illuminating living rooms and bedrooms of tiered high rises and low rises, and a sliver of red break lights break dancing into morse code up a just-rained-on first avenue. it took a friend who was in town visiting this past weekend to remind me that i can peak through a small part of the city through two wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling windows four feet away from where i put my head down each night.
i can look back on all the detours and stops i took on my way here. to be honest, the road wasn’t too hard to travel down. no real struggle. no real fight. no dusting myself off after a slip or fall. it was luck, really. a perfect timing that, looking back, began at the point in which misfortune collided with fortune. i knew as i walked down the hallway, sat down in the conference room and heard, “…have to let you go.”and there it was. a mini collision of fear and relief. gratitude and uncertainty. melancholy and giddy. how do you start over? how do you not start over?
what you end up doing is something. when was that last time you did something for the first time? that’s a quote i remember from my franklin covey organizer. and this is the moment when a day-planner just intersected with inspiration for a new life plan.
the same friend who reminded me to look out my window reminded me earlier this evening just how lucky i was in getting here. and i began to question if i worked hard enough to get this. do i deserve it? did i just want it a little more? is that fair? did life just want this for me? if so, why?
and then i realize the hows and whys are the detours and stops we all take as our mind wanders down paths that lead to perpetual uncertainty while we look for an aha moment. at this point, i can’t be distracted by uncertainty. not again. but, i’m lucky i suppose. i’ve got a view to keep my focus now.